Chaperoned dates: Redux

Well, had to rethink this post. I was getting so neurotic that it was causing me to panic and start to make assumptions that I could not logically validate . So my apologies. But this trip has shaken me to my core. For the first time in a long while, I am completely dependent on the kindness and advice of others. It’s a rare thing to me because I tend to figure out how to make my way on my own terms and move forward, but not being able to do so has completely flipped me upside down. 

So instead of internalizing it like I usually do, I vocalized it to a family member here whose help I will depend on even more trying to do this the traditional way. They didn’t speak to me much the other day at the beach because they believed I was tired and not in the mood to be social. Which I just shot myself in the foot there because I was so focused on how miserable I felt I didn’t appreciate the things around me: The ocean, one of the most beautiful girls I have ever encountered, my awesome cousin and her friend I didn’t even take time to learn his name. I was so stupid! But hindsight is 20/20 so they say.

The following morning, I awoke, feeling absolutely horrible and feeling like I let the entire family down because I couldn’t appreciate all of the kindness and understanding that has been shown to me. So I figured if this was to be it, then I had better come clean about my feelings and just be vulnerable.   I hate doing that because I always have to be strong, always reassuring, confident to a fault. I never fully grew comfortable with my own doubts and fears. I had learned how to silence them, but not to hear them out, to let them speak. Or even admit I was scared shitless by the situation because I couldn’t stand on my own. So I laid it all out to my cousin, who has been doing everything they can to make sure I know what’s happening and going on. I was nẻvous, scared, even ashamed of how I acted so one of the first things I did was apologize for my behavior and explain everything I felt. As we continued in the car ride, she began to understand and talk more as well. I was too much in my head and not in the present moment, which I’ve had several good advisors tell me of but I’m too stubborn for my own good sometimes.

She had decide to take me to her favorite phở place. This was something I was well acquainted with. When I was younger, phở and I didn’t get along so well. I’d get sucked every time I’d eat it. In my adulthood however, it has been one of my favorite things to share about my homeland. The simplicity of ingredients, the amount of effort that goes into preparing it. This is the fish that put Vietnam on the culinary map, and it reminds me of home every time I eat it. Being with family, those that support me, where I used to find comfort and strength in. My family back home has not quite been that type of support besides my older sister and brother. I didn’t know how tired I had become being a pillar for the rest of them. Or for the many friends I consider family. My family isn’t limited just by blood. It includes those that have seen me at my worst and have seen me at my best. When I took my first sip of the broth, I knew that opening up was the only suitable option. To someone that was already treating me as family. It was incredibly humbling and I felt relief and regret for being so blind.

After breakfast, we headed to one of the main pagodas in Ho Chi Minh City. I’m no stranger to temples given my familiarity with the Vietnamese Buddhist community in Indianapolis. This place was enormous! My temple was not even one eighth of the size of this place. It was absolutely awe inspiring to see. As we made our way up the stairs, many other Buddhists were there paying respects to the monks there as well. 

As we entered the Buddha Hall, the monk was inviting the bell for one of the monks was inviting the bell for the new year, which is a common practice for most Vietnamese temples. Off to the side another monk sat at a table to collect forms that lay members were filling out to have family members prayed for during the Medicine Buddha Sutta Recitation. They recite this particular sutra at the Lunar New Year yo clear out the negative energy of the year passing and to start the new year fresh and bright. I surprised my cousin, and the attending monk with how well mannered I was and knew what to do without being told. I feel most at home in the Buddha Hall meditating, bringing my mind to single pointed focus. And for the first time since I have been here, I felt at ease, even joyous because I was in my element, I couldn’t speak the language but I was home. It made me so happy. The monk asked me to come closer and if I would let him bless me. Without hesitating, I went and kneeled before him with my hands in prayer and my head lowered. As he recited his blessing, I felt something stir within, my courage came back to me. And I became more willing to make mistakes. Say things wrong. It was like taking refuge all over again. After that he explained that the law of nature goes with the flow of things rather then against it. That I should just be natural, and allow things to happen naturally. We shook hands and he wished me more good luck and success and how intelligent I was for knowing the teachings of Buddha the customs of being in the temple.

After visiting the higher level of the pagoda, it was time to head to the next stop. As we were leaving I saw a reminder of the first wheel turning of the Dharma. Siddartha Gautama Buddha had realized enlightenment and went to search for the Five Brothers of Kodanna. When he found them, they were reluctant at first but welcomed him to sit with them and speak about what he had learned on his own. This is the first instance where The Buddha introduced the Four Noble Truths. After explaining to them the meaning of the four noble truths, Kodanna attained enlightenment right there as The Buddha   finished his lecture. And the Buddha gave Kodanna the title of “Kodanna, the one who understands.”

At least that’s a truncated version of the explanation. Starts to come around full circle, understanding is needed before we can act. And if we act rashly, the result will never be what we want. That’s where I’ll end this entry tonight. Understanding