The Negotiating Table, family importance
After the long awaited arrival, we make our way to the mother of my stepmother rental house in Ho Chi Minh City. My father and stepmother are catching up with the uncles and I look on out the window taking in the sites and sounds of Ho Chi Minh City at night. Wasn’t too much happening because it was so late, but the neon signs and lights were as bright and colorful as expected from what I have seen in films and movies. All the while I kept stealing glances at her, still in awe that she greeted me at the airport and was kind enough to keep my bottle of water as I helped load luggage into the van. Although I had slept on the plane, I kept dozing off all the way there.
So we arrive at our destination around 3:00 a.m. Its through a narrow alleyway that we come to the front door. We get the luggage unloaded and everyone begins to unwind a little. Watching my dad and my stepmom, they begin to open the big boxes we had brought with us from Kansas. It was like Christmas all over again. There were hats, shoes, clothes, but most importantly, quality over the counter medicine. The medications that are available in Vietnam are of questionable origin and have led to many deaths, so it was explained to me why it was necessary for those coming back to visit bring things like that to family. Which makes sense why so many Vietnamese Americans are always sending money or supplies. I stayed up as long as I could, meeting one of my aunts and the rest of my stepmothers family before needing to get some sleep. Ha messaged me:
“Are you tired? It’s ok to lie in the chair.”
“Yes I am a little”
When they see me nodding off every ten minutes they ask if I need a nap. Lord yes I needed a nap, I was exhausted. So I’m taken next door to a family friends place to borrow a room to nap in.
“When we ready to go, I come get you.” My father said as he closed the door behind him. And I now find myself in somebody’s room about to be asleep in their bed. So I doze off. I woke up when somebody had come in and grab some things, we nodded to each other to acknowledge one another and I went back to sleep.
It was a couple of hours before he came and got me up. We had just crashed there for the night and were headed to my stepmothers house to unpack. But before heading to my stepmothers house we had to go back to the airport to see if one of the packages had shown up since we were missing one. After about an hour we find out that the package is still in Chicago. There had apparently been a mix up because there was another passenger with a similar name also going to Ho Chi Minh City. I suppose that’s what those announcements were about as the terminal staff butchered the names as they pronounced them. It’s no surprise because foreign names are butchered all the time, my own included, but anyway.
We arrive at my stepmothers house, which I was surprised by how modern the interior was given what the exterior looked like. Just shows that you can’t judge anything just by outward appearance.
The day after we arrive back at my stepmothers mom summer rental for lunch and to hang out. As we make our way to the kitchen it is much more crowded because more family was showing up for the lunar new year. This is actually my introduction to their family I suppose. I was eating, several of Ha’s aunts were there, as well as uncles and her grandmother. Her grandmother had a sweet demeanor but you knew who ran that house. I wish I could’ve understood the heated discussion that was going on, my Vietnamese is minimal at best. Ha’s mother sat directly across from my father and step mother, while her other aunts were behind her with Ba Ngoai off to the side acting as a a go between the two parties. It lasted quite a while because I had finished and they were continuing to discuss whatever it was they were discussing. Ha had scurried here and there, I figure she is just doing her usual routine. They all remark how much me and my father look alike. When that part of the conversation was explained to me I laughed and said:
“ Of course we look alike, he is my father after all”
That statement had not been made in several decades. For a long time, my relationship with my father was nonexistent due to the divorce. And when we finally reconnected, we had both changed. I had grown up and he was showing his age. We were two totally different people now. So no more holding onto the past. We’ve stayed in contact and have even managed to talk in the phone in a regular basis since then.
As the first round of negotiations wrap up, we make it over to Ha’s parents house because at this point I’ve met her mom but not her dad. As we approach, the dogs let everyone know that people were approaching. My dad extends greetings and Ngoc explains we are going to visit the family graveyard. I had never seen what the graves looked like here, but kinda imagined they looked similar to New Orleans cemeteries. I was given a pair of golashes to where because we hadn’t finished our journey just yet, we still had to walk about a mile or so through wetlands. One of the younger nephews had taken upon himself the task of “helping” me during this hike. Which to me seemed pretty awesome because although we couldn’t communicate, we were already becoming friends. As we walk along the path, if you weren’t careful you’d be waisted deep in marsh real quick.
We got to a point where we had to wade a little bit in the water. We were trying to make it easier for everyone and decided to mash some of the bamboo down to walk across. They’d brought bricks to stack but that did not go over so well. That’s when we took to mashing the bamboo down. After that, we arrive at the family plot. They had already prepared ahead of time. So we all take incense sticks and pay our respects to their ancestors, which was something I was already acquianted with. After all the incense was placed the paper money and other things were brought out to be burned as well. There was a lot of fire come to think of it because my father and Ha’s father were burning the dried up brush . It was incredibly smokey but didn’t seem out of place at all. I’m still feeling like a fish outta water, can’t speak Vietnamese well enough to be conversant, just enough to understand the gist of it if I’m really paying attention.
We start to make our way back and the bamboo we had laid flat started to sink. So as we cross we help the person behind us. I had no idea who was behind me, but as soon as I turn around, I see Ha. Instant anxiety.
“What should I do? Should I help? Should I get somebody else to help? I don’t know the protocol for this.... Fuck it just stick out your hand and let her decide....” We had also not spoken to each other more than two or three words verbally .
I did and she did reach out, it excited me and frightened me at the same time. Excited because I was able to hold her hand (big softie guy right here) but also scared because my footing was not set the way I like it. I allow her to go ahead of me but her aunt motioned she did not need help so I followed the line back to her parents house. At this point the golashes are filled with water and I keep thinking I’ll end up with some sort of foot fungus. But as I’m dumping out the golashes, it becomes really clear that family remembrance had always been a part of my life. Growing up I remember not quite
understanding all of the ritual but looking back at it now, I am really grateful for the pomp and circumstance early exposure. But what it really comes down to is family. How important that the family make decisions together and act as one. Which is something that had been missing from my family for quite a long time
So we arrive at our destination around 3:00 a.m. Its through a narrow alleyway that we come to the front door. We get the luggage unloaded and everyone begins to unwind a little. Watching my dad and my stepmom, they begin to open the big boxes we had brought with us from Kansas. It was like Christmas all over again. There were hats, shoes, clothes, but most importantly, quality over the counter medicine. The medications that are available in Vietnam are of questionable origin and have led to many deaths, so it was explained to me why it was necessary for those coming back to visit bring things like that to family. Which makes sense why so many Vietnamese Americans are always sending money or supplies. I stayed up as long as I could, meeting one of my aunts and the rest of my stepmothers family before needing to get some sleep. Ha messaged me:
“Are you tired? It’s ok to lie in the chair.”
“Yes I am a little”
When they see me nodding off every ten minutes they ask if I need a nap. Lord yes I needed a nap, I was exhausted. So I’m taken next door to a family friends place to borrow a room to nap in.
“When we ready to go, I come get you.” My father said as he closed the door behind him. And I now find myself in somebody’s room about to be asleep in their bed. So I doze off. I woke up when somebody had come in and grab some things, we nodded to each other to acknowledge one another and I went back to sleep.
It was a couple of hours before he came and got me up. We had just crashed there for the night and were headed to my stepmothers house to unpack. But before heading to my stepmothers house we had to go back to the airport to see if one of the packages had shown up since we were missing one. After about an hour we find out that the package is still in Chicago. There had apparently been a mix up because there was another passenger with a similar name also going to Ho Chi Minh City. I suppose that’s what those announcements were about as the terminal staff butchered the names as they pronounced them. It’s no surprise because foreign names are butchered all the time, my own included, but anyway.
We arrive at my stepmothers house, which I was surprised by how modern the interior was given what the exterior looked like. Just shows that you can’t judge anything just by outward appearance.
The day after we arrive back at my stepmothers mom summer rental for lunch and to hang out. As we make our way to the kitchen it is much more crowded because more family was showing up for the lunar new year. This is actually my introduction to their family I suppose. I was eating, several of Ha’s aunts were there, as well as uncles and her grandmother. Her grandmother had a sweet demeanor but you knew who ran that house. I wish I could’ve understood the heated discussion that was going on, my Vietnamese is minimal at best. Ha’s mother sat directly across from my father and step mother, while her other aunts were behind her with Ba Ngoai off to the side acting as a a go between the two parties. It lasted quite a while because I had finished and they were continuing to discuss whatever it was they were discussing. Ha had scurried here and there, I figure she is just doing her usual routine. They all remark how much me and my father look alike. When that part of the conversation was explained to me I laughed and said:
“ Of course we look alike, he is my father after all”
That statement had not been made in several decades. For a long time, my relationship with my father was nonexistent due to the divorce. And when we finally reconnected, we had both changed. I had grown up and he was showing his age. We were two totally different people now. So no more holding onto the past. We’ve stayed in contact and have even managed to talk in the phone in a regular basis since then.
As the first round of negotiations wrap up, we make it over to Ha’s parents house because at this point I’ve met her mom but not her dad. As we approach, the dogs let everyone know that people were approaching. My dad extends greetings and Ngoc explains we are going to visit the family graveyard. I had never seen what the graves looked like here, but kinda imagined they looked similar to New Orleans cemeteries. I was given a pair of golashes to where because we hadn’t finished our journey just yet, we still had to walk about a mile or so through wetlands. One of the younger nephews had taken upon himself the task of “helping” me during this hike. Which to me seemed pretty awesome because although we couldn’t communicate, we were already becoming friends. As we walk along the path, if you weren’t careful you’d be waisted deep in marsh real quick.
We got to a point where we had to wade a little bit in the water. We were trying to make it easier for everyone and decided to mash some of the bamboo down to walk across. They’d brought bricks to stack but that did not go over so well. That’s when we took to mashing the bamboo down. After that, we arrive at the family plot. They had already prepared ahead of time. So we all take incense sticks and pay our respects to their ancestors, which was something I was already acquianted with. After all the incense was placed the paper money and other things were brought out to be burned as well. There was a lot of fire come to think of it because my father and Ha’s father were burning the dried up brush . It was incredibly smokey but didn’t seem out of place at all. I’m still feeling like a fish outta water, can’t speak Vietnamese well enough to be conversant, just enough to understand the gist of it if I’m really paying attention.
We start to make our way back and the bamboo we had laid flat started to sink. So as we cross we help the person behind us. I had no idea who was behind me, but as soon as I turn around, I see Ha. Instant anxiety.
“What should I do? Should I help? Should I get somebody else to help? I don’t know the protocol for this.... Fuck it just stick out your hand and let her decide....” We had also not spoken to each other more than two or three words verbally .
I did and she did reach out, it excited me and frightened me at the same time. Excited because I was able to hold her hand (big softie guy right here) but also scared because my footing was not set the way I like it. I allow her to go ahead of me but her aunt motioned she did not need help so I followed the line back to her parents house. At this point the golashes are filled with water and I keep thinking I’ll end up with some sort of foot fungus. But as I’m dumping out the golashes, it becomes really clear that family remembrance had always been a part of my life. Growing up I remember not quite
understanding all of the ritual but looking back at it now, I am really grateful for the pomp and circumstance early exposure. But what it really comes down to is family. How important that the family make decisions together and act as one. Which is something that had been missing from my family for quite a long time
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